Life has become too hard due to the current crisis. Therefore, there has been some reshuffles in household management. Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstances is any violation allowed. Take note of the following changes:
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from the breadwinner upon submission of written request.(mind your English, broken grammar will be considered a negative attribute, not necessarily a violation)
2. Breakfast is banned with immediate effect. This matter is not open for discussion.(it's not my fault, you had your days of plenty)
3. Food items such as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified dietitian.(luxury days are over, you'll only eat what is necessary)
4. Watering with hose pipes is banned. Furthermore, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.(we're not giving up on beauty but we'll economize it with all means possible)
5. Bathing in the morning has been deemed luxurious and is therefore banned with immediate effect. Bathing is now limited to 2.7 litres of water per day per person, unless there are medical reasons.(those seeking to bathe more than 2.7 litres of water shall submit a certified medical report from a qualified doctor and that will be effective and valid for only one bathe)
6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependents shall abide by an all-night guard-duty rotter which shall be available shortly.(it's time to use your eyes, I know vitamin A foods have gone crazy expensive, so don't bring that topic up)
7. No dependent shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. An effort of this nature will be considered treason. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.(sorry music has been luxurious ever since, even before this world financial crisis)
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from Zesco, Lusaka Water and Sewage, City Council, the Insurance company or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the household.(i know you've never liked these pipo, now it's your chance to make your dreams come true)
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporal employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).(we haven't lost our belief in grace but this is no time for mercy, this crisis was not brought by us but by the West as you profess, therefore, don't blame me)
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/weekend or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can’t stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.(note that the maximum number of days a visitor is entitled to is limited to 3 days. Taking a bathe on the day of arrival or departure is totally out of question - the visitor shall only use his/her 2.7 litres of water to bathe only on their second day which is considered a full day)
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.
NB. there are no exceptions, neither favours. mother, father, grannies, children and everyone else shall be treated alike.
**Thank for your corporation. Together we will be able to come out of this economic crisis.
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